I am the abuser
I went through a difficult period in my marriage because my marriage partner was unfaithful before our marriage; we decided to stay together and trust that we could work through the trauma caused by his actions. Although there was some progress, we were caught in a vicious circle where we were taking three steps backwards for every two steps forwards. After three years of marriage we just weren’t making any progress at all. Out of desperation I discussed this with a confidante who referred me to Cizelle.
During my first session with Cizelle I felt like a “lost cause” because I just wasn’t able to let go of the past. I was extremely anxious and felt depressed. My fear was that the reason I was unable to let go of those thoughts was that at a subjective level I knew that my husband was still being unfaithful. Friends and family members who had observed the growth and change in my husband’s life reproached me daily for my unwillingness to forgive and move on. These remarks made me even more obstinate, unhappy and rebellious because in my heart I believed that I was really trying, but that my thoughts and fears were holding me back.
Shortly after my first session with Cizelle I was diagnosed with a condition known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD as well as adult ADD (attention deficit disorder).This finding was a huge revelation. I finally understood that my obsessive thoughts were the cause of my crippling fear and inability to stop thinking about what had happened in the past.
Cizelle was not just a sounding board, she was goal-oriented and pushed and guided me towards finding my own solutions to overcoming my obsessive behaviour. We found that there are various methods that can be used in particular circumstances. For example, when I start falling into a cycle of obsessive thoughts, I can break this by removing myself from the situation immediately and going to lie down for a few minutes. I could also reason with myself: when I am experiencing intrusive negative thoughts I first try to think of a positive explanation for the situation, or I am firm with myself and reprimand myself for thinking in this way. The solution could be as easy as thinking of a song as soon as my obsessive thoughts start forming a pattern. My husband also played a valuable part here. His role was to ask for “time out” when we quarrelled and I started to go into obsessive mode. This prevented the situation from escalating.
Cizelle gave me the necessary “tools” to overcome my problem, against which my relationship with the Lord has been my defence and has strengthened me spiritually. Before any of the above could take root in my life I first had to take the decision to put my husband and my problems second and put the Lord first, making him the number one priority in my life.
From day one anger has been one of my big problems. I made excuses for my anger, saying that the cause of my anger lay in the hurt I had suffered and that it would improve as I healed. I began to overcome my obsessive behaviour in time but the anger remained and I could not understand why.
I took my temper out on my husband on a daily basis. I was curt and rude and made it clear to him that I did not trust him. Every fearful thought I had led to an accusation. He did not always retaliate because he felt guilty about his share in what had happened in the past.
I didn’t want to treat him that way and every time we had a quarrel I felt bad about it afterwards, but I succumbed to my anger and emotion again the next time we quarrelled because I felt I had a right to treat him that way on account of what he had done to me. I felt that he should put up with this and give me a chance to recover, that one day I would stop losing my temper and taking my fears out on him.
In time I became less suspicious, spent less time going through his phone records and became less ready to suspect him of wrongdoing. This made me feel that there was progress, and that our relationship was changing for the better. But at times the old feelings and fears resurfaced and although our quarrels became less frequent they still occurred on a regular basis.
I did not allow him to have any form of life without me; he was not permitted to go out with friends on his own, or even to go to gym without me. It reached the point where I was destroying his self-confidence because I was afraid that if he had a good self-image he would hurt me again. I told myself that this was my way of grieving, that I would get better but that it would take time. That my treatment of him was normal. He seldom retaliated because he didn’t want conflict in our marriage.
During one session Cizelle read me an article on concealed abuse in families – where outwardly there did not appear to be any abuse. Cizelle read me passages on the characteristic features of abuse and I was thunderstruck. These characteristics matched what I was doing in every detail. I was abusing my husband emotionally.
I was completely unaware of what I was doing. I was angry, I was hurt and I felt that I had a right to treat my husband in the way I was doing because of his past actions. My perception of abuse was the general misperception – one of men maltreating women. I closed my eyes and thought about a normal day in our marriage, but I imagined myself as a man and my husband as a woman. As soon as I pictured the situation like this, I realised that I had taken on the role of abuser and that the hurt I had experienced in the past did not give me the right to abuse my husband. What I had seen as an outlet for my emotions was in fact abuse.
I went home and asked my husband’s forgiveness for my actions and acknowledge to him what I was doing. That it was really unconscious emotional abuse. I had to ask him to support me by refusing to allow me to abuse him. When I became angry and unreasonable and started down that path again he was not to allow me to do it but instead reprimand me in love.
We still have a long road ahead but this realisation was necessary before we could move on. As soon as things started to improve in our relationship we became complacent and the result was that we took our eyes off the ball and fell back into our old ways. I realised that I could not afford to become complacent, that there should always be awareness and respect, irrespective of any mistakes in our past. After forgiving I had not moved on, I had brooded on the past and these thoughts had turned into the anger that led to abuse. Whether it is a man or a woman in question, no hurt or anger is an excuse for emotional or physical abuse.
Read more about the way men are abused in relationships.
During my first session with Cizelle I felt like a “lost cause” because I just wasn’t able to let go of the past. I was extremely anxious and felt depressed. My fear was that the reason I was unable to let go of those thoughts was that at a subjective level I knew that my husband was still being unfaithful. Friends and family members who had observed the growth and change in my husband’s life reproached me daily for my unwillingness to forgive and move on. These remarks made me even more obstinate, unhappy and rebellious because in my heart I believed that I was really trying, but that my thoughts and fears were holding me back.
Shortly after my first session with Cizelle I was diagnosed with a condition known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD as well as adult ADD (attention deficit disorder).This finding was a huge revelation. I finally understood that my obsessive thoughts were the cause of my crippling fear and inability to stop thinking about what had happened in the past.
Cizelle was not just a sounding board, she was goal-oriented and pushed and guided me towards finding my own solutions to overcoming my obsessive behaviour. We found that there are various methods that can be used in particular circumstances. For example, when I start falling into a cycle of obsessive thoughts, I can break this by removing myself from the situation immediately and going to lie down for a few minutes. I could also reason with myself: when I am experiencing intrusive negative thoughts I first try to think of a positive explanation for the situation, or I am firm with myself and reprimand myself for thinking in this way. The solution could be as easy as thinking of a song as soon as my obsessive thoughts start forming a pattern. My husband also played a valuable part here. His role was to ask for “time out” when we quarrelled and I started to go into obsessive mode. This prevented the situation from escalating.
Cizelle gave me the necessary “tools” to overcome my problem, against which my relationship with the Lord has been my defence and has strengthened me spiritually. Before any of the above could take root in my life I first had to take the decision to put my husband and my problems second and put the Lord first, making him the number one priority in my life.
From day one anger has been one of my big problems. I made excuses for my anger, saying that the cause of my anger lay in the hurt I had suffered and that it would improve as I healed. I began to overcome my obsessive behaviour in time but the anger remained and I could not understand why.
I took my temper out on my husband on a daily basis. I was curt and rude and made it clear to him that I did not trust him. Every fearful thought I had led to an accusation. He did not always retaliate because he felt guilty about his share in what had happened in the past.
I didn’t want to treat him that way and every time we had a quarrel I felt bad about it afterwards, but I succumbed to my anger and emotion again the next time we quarrelled because I felt I had a right to treat him that way on account of what he had done to me. I felt that he should put up with this and give me a chance to recover, that one day I would stop losing my temper and taking my fears out on him.
In time I became less suspicious, spent less time going through his phone records and became less ready to suspect him of wrongdoing. This made me feel that there was progress, and that our relationship was changing for the better. But at times the old feelings and fears resurfaced and although our quarrels became less frequent they still occurred on a regular basis.
I did not allow him to have any form of life without me; he was not permitted to go out with friends on his own, or even to go to gym without me. It reached the point where I was destroying his self-confidence because I was afraid that if he had a good self-image he would hurt me again. I told myself that this was my way of grieving, that I would get better but that it would take time. That my treatment of him was normal. He seldom retaliated because he didn’t want conflict in our marriage.
During one session Cizelle read me an article on concealed abuse in families – where outwardly there did not appear to be any abuse. Cizelle read me passages on the characteristic features of abuse and I was thunderstruck. These characteristics matched what I was doing in every detail. I was abusing my husband emotionally.
I was completely unaware of what I was doing. I was angry, I was hurt and I felt that I had a right to treat my husband in the way I was doing because of his past actions. My perception of abuse was the general misperception – one of men maltreating women. I closed my eyes and thought about a normal day in our marriage, but I imagined myself as a man and my husband as a woman. As soon as I pictured the situation like this, I realised that I had taken on the role of abuser and that the hurt I had experienced in the past did not give me the right to abuse my husband. What I had seen as an outlet for my emotions was in fact abuse.
I went home and asked my husband’s forgiveness for my actions and acknowledge to him what I was doing. That it was really unconscious emotional abuse. I had to ask him to support me by refusing to allow me to abuse him. When I became angry and unreasonable and started down that path again he was not to allow me to do it but instead reprimand me in love.
We still have a long road ahead but this realisation was necessary before we could move on. As soon as things started to improve in our relationship we became complacent and the result was that we took our eyes off the ball and fell back into our old ways. I realised that I could not afford to become complacent, that there should always be awareness and respect, irrespective of any mistakes in our past. After forgiving I had not moved on, I had brooded on the past and these thoughts had turned into the anger that led to abuse. Whether it is a man or a woman in question, no hurt or anger is an excuse for emotional or physical abuse.
Read more about the way men are abused in relationships.
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